Doomed to Fail
by Cronomon
Summary: Master had a plan to get Hibari and Tsuna together, but I don't think it's really gonna work... Multiple implied pairings.


**Disclaimer: I do not own Katekyo Hitman Reborn.**

**Attempted humor? Sort of. Attempted romance? Well... it was but then I got lazy. So there are more of mentioned pairings rather than actual ones, you know? Therefore: 8059, 6996, B26, 2795, was supposed to end with 1827 but it didn't. Sorry.**

**Anyways... please enjoy :3**

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><p>"Oh, Little One~" The pineapple-haired man seemed to literally have come out of nowhere, sliding into the seat across the table from Fran. He had on an all-too-familiar smile, as though he'd just gotten the most amazing idea to take over the world since the Brain, and despite the fact he was currently the loudest thing in the library he kept on talking. "I had an incredible idea just now."<p>

"Is that so?" Fran replied in a disinterested tone, turning the page to his book without even a glance at his companion.

Mukuro was unfazed, grin still wide on his face as he stabbed his trident through Fran's book and tossed it away. "And of course you're going to help me with it," he said calmly, oblivious to the librarian's death glare at him.

"Master, that was a school book," Fran said. He picked up the now ruined book, completely ignoring the older man's words, and examined it in as rueful a way his emotionless face would allow. "You're going to have to pay for it, you know."

"As I'm sure you're well aware of, Tsunayoshi Sawada has recently been dating a certain Miss Kyoko Sasagawa," Mukuro went on as though Fran hadn't said anything. "Currently I'm sure they're a very happy couple."

Fran let out a long sigh but ultimately decided to play along. "I bet they are," he agreed monotonously.

Mukuro looked pleased that his conversation was no longer one-sided and continued, "There is also the matter of Hayato Gokudera and Takeshi Yamamoto. I have heard that they have also become an item."

"You don't say."

"And, of course, Kyoya Hibari seems to have recently developed a crush on Tsunayoshi."

"Well isn't that-... wait, what?"

Mukuro blinked in mock surprise. "Oya? You mean you didn't know? I thought surely for someone as observant as my student you would have been able to guess."

The green-haired junior only rolled his eyes. "You're my senpai, not my teacher, pineapple idiot. Anyways, how would you guess about Hibari even if you did stalk him?" He ignored the trident that stabbed his shoulder. "It's not as though he ever shows emotions or anything."

"Kufufu, you will address me as your master, Little One, and not anything else. Furthermore, I do not _stalk _Kyoya... I watch him carefully throughout all parts of the day. As your master I am now an expert upon deciphering the emotions of emotionless people. Now, as I was saying, Kyoya has apparently fallen for the young boy he has deemed the 'ultimate herbivore', however he does not seem to have any plans to act upon these feelings."

Fran resisted another long sigh. He could already tell where this was going...

"Therefore I have decided that the two of us shall help them get together," Mukuro declared with more than just a note of pride.

"But you already said Sawada and Sasagawa were going out."

"Kufufu, in that case we must break them up, don't you think?"

Fran groaned. "That's a stupid idea even for you, Master. Assuming that we did manage to break them up- which in and of itself is pretty impossible since they're so in love with each other- what makes you think that Hibari would just leap at the opportunity and ruin his reputation to date Sawada?"

"Obviously he will have had a little convincing from me... kufufu..."

"Doesn't that just mean he'll solemnly vow to never take a step out of the closet? Hell, if you're gonna be the one convincing him he might as well start a club with Justin Bieber."

Stab.

"Ow."

"Do not underestimate my skills of persuasion, Little One." A gleam appeared in Mukuro's eyes, and Fran gulped. "After all," the senior continued in a sly voice, "who was the one who convinced you to meet up with Belphegor that fated night a couple months ago?"

Fran merely shook his head- it would have to take a lot more than that to get Fran to show actual emotion. Even more so since this was the pineapple idiot talking to him. "Hibari kind of hates you, though. Come to think of it, I thought you hated him, too. Why do you want to play matchmaker and get him together with Sawada?"

"Oya, shouldn't it be obvious?" Mukuro let out a low chuckle, sounding very much like an evil mastermind bent on ruling the universe and all the pineapples within it. "If Kyoya and Tsunayoshi were to become a couple it would be all the easier to threaten Kyoya... wouldn't you agree? Kufufu..."

"Don't get ahead of yourself, idiot Master."

Stab. "You will treat your master with respect, Little One, lest you want the next stab through your head. Now then, I shall proceed to tell you my wonderful plan of breaking up Tsunayoshi and Miss Sasagawa and hooking up Kyoya and Tsunayoshi. You will, of course, have a very large part to play, Little One, so I advise you to ready yourself."

"When did I say I would help you?"

Blatantly ignoring him, Mukuro leaned forward and began to whisper his amazing plan. "After school I want you to approach Tsunayoshi and his girlfriend and..."

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><p>"Sawada."<p>

Fran approached the couple, nodding in acknowledgement to Kyoko before focusing on the brunet. "Wanna walk home together today?" he asked bluntly.

Tsuna blinked in surprise, obviously caught off-guard by the question posed by his green-haired classmate whom he never talked to. And so he responded in the classic caught-off-guard Tsuna way. "Um... what?"

"Sasagawa made plans with Miura and Dokuro earlier, and Gokudera and Yamamoto have already left," Fran offered in explanation. Jesus Christ he hoped Sasagawa didn't think he stalked her... that was the stupid Master's job, not his.

"O-oh, is that so?" Tsuna glanced at Kyoko, who nodded her confirmation. "Well, sure then. I don't mind." He smiled affably. "I'd be happy to walk home with you, Fran."

"Great." Fran didn't sound nearly as excited. "Let's get going."

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><p>"My dear, sweet Chrome~ What do you say to accompanying me home today? I would be more than happy to have your presence in my humble abode," Mukuro placed a finger under her chin and tilted her head up, smiling at the sight of her blushing face.<p>

"M-Mukuro-sama..." she murmured quietly. "I... I'm sorry... I promised Kyoko and Haru I would..."

Mukuro nodded solemnly, withdrawing his finger and instead resting his hands on her shoulders. "I see. You've already given your word to your friends that you would join them for some activities later, isn't that right? I'm very happy that you are so loyal to them. Perhaps some other time, yes?"

"Of course, Mukuro-sama!"

"Very good. Now then, off you go. You wouldn't want to keep your friends waiting."

As Chrome scurried away, Mukuro turned with a smile to see a clearly unimpressed Hibari Kyoya.

"Don't tell me you had me chase you out here just so I could witness you and your girlfriend flirt with each other," the prefect deadpanned.

"Oya, but I'm afraid I did."

Hibari frowned and lifted his tonfas, stating easily as though he'd repeated it many times before, "Public displays of affection are against school regulations. Prepare to die, herbivore."

"Kufufu," Mukuro narrowed his eyes, also bringing out his trident. However, rather than lifting it to fight, he dropped it on the ground before him and raised his arms in surrender. Generally he hated showing such signs of weakness but he knew if this plan succeeded he would be getting many more delightful battles. "As tempting as a fight sounds right now I'm afraid I must decline. There was a point to having you watch the exchange between my dear Chrome and I."

Hibari stopped in his tracks, more because he refused to fight an unarmed opponent than what Mukuro had said.

"You see, Kyoya, it has come to my attention that many couples have been blooming lately," Mukuro continued. "Chrome and I, for example. As well as Belphegor and my little one. Gokudera and Yamamoto. _Tsunayoshi and Sasagawa._"

He allowed himself a small smile as Kyoya stiffened.

The school prefect merely scowled. "And why should this concern me, other than having to bite them to death should they break school rules?"

"I do hope you observed my interaction with Chrome well enough, for that is all I am planning to teach you when it comes to expressing affection for your loved one," Mukuro said, completely ignoring the question. "Now, go get'em, tiger."

"Just what the hell are you talking about?"

"I've even made it a little bit easier for you- see how generous I am even to the ones who try to kill me? Kufufu." Mukuro chuckled, trying not to notice how painfully one-sided his conversation was. "I've already arranged for my little one to separate Tsunayoshi and Sasagawa. Tonight is surely your best chance of winning over the one you love."

Even with all his battle/love experience Mukuro didn't expect to see a tonfa suddenly swing down at his face. Survival instincts let him step out of the way and snatch his trident just in time to block another blow. He frowned in confusion at the discipline committee's leader.

Hibari, for his part, simply looked furious, which was strange considering his usually impassive face. "Repeat what you just said. Now."

"Tonight is surely your best chance of winning over the one you love...?"

Hibari let loose a flurry of blows, each one smashing harder and harder against Mukuro's trident. "Don't play with me, herbivore. Before that one. What was it?"

"You mean what I said about my little one separating Tsunayoshi and Sasagawa?" Mukuro was answered by a particularly hard blow from the tonfas. Despite it, though, he smirked. "Oya, don't tell me you're upset because of that. I would have thought you'd appreciate it."

"You have no right to split apart that herbivore from his partner," Hibari growled. "If Sasagawa is the one who makes Sawada happy you have no place trying to trample upon that."

Mukuro laughed, "So your love for him is so great you would rather him be with Sasagawa for his happiness? I underestimated you, Kyoya. You certainly are an honorable man."

"Shut up."

"Regardless, by now my little one must have succeeded- he takes his persuasion skills from me, you know- and so I invite you to his apartment where Tsunayoshi will no doubt be. You may comfort him there and I'm sure by tomorrow you will be an even happier couple."

Hibari looked on the verge of destroying the entire city of Namimori... minus the school, of course.

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><p>"Say, Sawada..."<p>

"... hm? Ah, you can just call me Tsuna if you'd like."

"... Say, Tsuna."

"Yeah?"

"What would you say if a guy asked you out?"

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><p>Mukuro sighed ruefully as he raced through the streets of Namimori. <em>So in the end chasing me is the only way he'll go to Little One's apartment, hm? What an exhausting man.<em>

Right behind him was Hibari Kyoya, pure murder on his face and catching up to the pineapple head at an alarmingly quick pace. If one listened carefully they could hear him chanting in a deadly quiet voice, "Bite him to death bite him to death bite him to death."

_Hm... I do hope Little One has already finished by now. We're almost there._

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><p>"H-h-h-HIIIIEEE?" Tsuna stopped in his tracks, a look of utter shock on his face. His eyes were wide as his mind tried to process the question, while Fran only stared at him blankly.<p>

_Mm. Looks like he's not taking it very well._ Fran noted.

"S-s-s-s-sorry, Fran," Tsuna somehow managed to stammer out. "I... err... I bet you're a really nice person and all and I'm honored that you... uh... feel that way about me but, well, I'm already with Kyoko and I think maybe she'd be upset. Um! Not that this is all about Kyoko because it's about me, too, and I really have nothing against homosexuals- I mean, my best friends are gay for each other, so..."

Fran kept an emotionless face as his companion rambled on, letting out a sigh when he realized what Tsuna was saying. "I'm not asking you out, Tsuna. Incase you haven't noticed I already have the fake prince as my boyfriend. It was just a question."

"O-oh..."

"..."

"Sorry."

"Whatever. I think I already have my answer, anyways."

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><p>"Ah, Master, what are you doing lying right in front of my door? You're in the way."<p>

Fran didn't seem to notice or care that Mukuro was twitching in a pool of his own blood.

"I can't get in. Oh yeah, also, Tsuna's not gay. So I don't think Hibari really has a chance."

Stepping carefully over Mukuro's body, Fran entered his apartment and closed the door.

"Sorry, Master. I guess your plan didn't really work."

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><p><strong>Rushed and abrupt ending. My bad... I got lazy. I really wanted to end it with 1827 rather than 2795 but I was too scared since I already had like... everyone being OOC. Therefore the story ends with a near-dead Mukuro and an awkward relationship between Fran and Tsuna. Yay.<strong>

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


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